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Prayer Journal

Dear God,

I am honestly more comfortable going back to being an underground Christian, being a quiet practitioner. My experience with raving Christians has just been negative to date. It doesn’t actually help me at all. All these years, my conversations with you has gone on without an issue. Not sure why the kinda Christians I used to hate* always want to butt into people’s lives and dictate how one should walk with you. Maybe that makes them feel better. It is just not a successful way to think or behave, tell me something intelligent something progressive something moving, and I will want to follow you because it is inspiring. Don’t talk only about Jesus and how he sacrificed on the cross to save mankind – sorry. Some people are only capable of this topic. I have trouble with that. Give me practical advise on how to lead a better life.

*I do suspect that the Christians I used to hate should have become better by now. What they did to hurt me was 30 years ago. We were all children. Perhaps I really should allow people the chance to be better too, and not harp on about their old failures that is no longer current. If I want other people to give me a chance, why can’t I offer that to others too? Ahhh. Good point God.

I only came out of my shell to incorporate another person into my life when I realised that he needs You to be visible in his life. If someone is important enough, you do what it takes to make things work. Life got muddy there. Here is a fact, I do attend church with people I respect. There is a part of this lesson that was concealed from me, I only got to learn my part of the lesson.

Everyone in my inner circle do not rub religion in other people’s faces nor force it down people’s throats. It is just not on. In fact, I get along best with people who has achieved secular success but uphold Your image in their quiet practise. I am attracted to people with strong faith. I especially like them when they are hardworking, driven and good at what they do, outside of their spirituality. I find such people admirable. As I said, our career is a vehicle where we honour You, that is where You would show up most in our lives – I know that. Our daily lives too. People who live in Your growing image lead with Your might – I want to be in that category of Your children. I am not so sure about the Christians who need to ask for your forgiveness everyday, or worse, they are not even remorseful. This is where it fails.

I have this to say about the church, the way it is run traditionally, with its stringent social regulation. This social construct no longer works in today’s world. It really needs to feel more relevant to good people, who are not Christians. There are so many good people who are not Christians. They are better human beings. Are they not worthy for salvation too? Why must Christianity and the church be run on hysterical martyrdom? Perhaps this is just how I view things from a skewed angle, but I am open to grow further with You, and I will not reject You when opportunities arises.

More often than not, people only come to Christ when they are super low in dire straits, they feel the Holy Spirit when they are downtrodden during a church service where emotions run high. It is a kind of mass hysteria, a way of group hypnotism, that we can sometimes witness in large conferences by motivators like Tony Robbins. People from the training industry is familiar how that can be achieved. We know that isn’t sustainable on the long run, you need to keep going back to keep that faith alive. Why can’t we teach people to be spiritually sustainable? People only come to You for salvation, when there is no way out of the mess in their life.

Anyway I am just saying. I seem cynical, but here is another fact. I believe in You, I don’t believe in the large majority of Christians. There is nothing is wrong with my relationship with You. I know I am closer to You than many raving Christians. And here you are. You gave me a new breakthrough yet again, this feels as big as the one I had 20 years ago when my life completely flipped. I am grateful to have this opportunity, but let the sacrificial lamb in relationship not be borne on great loss. Perhaps he was also supposed to return to his own journey with You, perhaps we really lack capacity to be in each other’s journey or You have other plans, perhaps together we are unable to walk closely with You. I know, this episode was not just for me to level up alone. It rarely is. I trust in Your choices for me. I have to.

There is a difference between being religious vs being spiritual. I have written about this over and over again in the last decades. Religion is a political tool to govern the masses. Spirituality is the relationship one has with God, or whichever shape their faith takes on. You are my Shepherd, but I don’t see myself disobeying you if I do not join a church or blindly follow a Christian leader within a congregation. However I promise I will contact Pastor James one of these days for a chat.


Nisi Dominus Frustra
Without God All is in Vain  

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