Prayer Journal
5/29/20

 

 

Dear God,

Not everybody believes in You, but I do notice that some people have a connection to some divine source in one way or another. I can understand this and it doesn’t feel like a negative thing. They embody joy & peace and the capacity to love their neighbours. I also keep godly muslim friends and respect their wisdom a lot. There are also the friends who believes in You but kept it concealed throughout the years, just like me. I am beginning to understand it – why I am this way too – because our faith is not that strong but we still talk to You, in secret.

I have talked to You for 30 years with only a few years break in between. Praying to You, dear God, is a habit that is hard to break.. When I consciously stopped praying to you those few years, I sometimes have to resist opening up a conversation with you and hear myself go “Dear God..” In all honesty, it gave me conflict to suddenly stop the continuity with You.

Why did I consciously stop praying to you? Why did I stop believing in You?

Some of the worst people I know are Christians. It damaged my impression of the church. I never found comfort forgiving these people. Someone told me that the church are for sinners. Yes I believe that. Unfortunately I still don’t have a good feeling with people who loudly call themselves Christians, I expect them to be hypocrites and show up in church on Sundays.. while my childhood trauma of Sunday School bullying reinforced my distaste against the Christian church and its people. All these interfered with my faith and I stopped talking to You for a few years.

During the decades I was deliberately away from the trauma of Christian people, I had access to very wise folks, more than I ever did in my history with the church. They helped me a lot and enriched my life. So far, I do not have Christian churchgoing friends whom I enjoy. I am not sure how or when, but this could change?

I don’t have Christian people who is that inspiring to hang out with. Most Christians I know are careless to show the lousy side of themselves without remorse. The Christians I like and love, have integrated themselves into the secular world and adapted to a lifestyle I can accept – they are not church goers. They don’t follow all the rules but they are good, if not great people. The beauty of this recent chapter is that these friends who never shared their Christian faith are now talking to me about their relationship and understanding with You, which is truly helpful.

I want to talk about premarital sex, I want to have honest chats with unmarried Christian adults about very real issues around their sexuality. What if some of us do not believe in marriage for practical reasons?

1 Corinthians 7:8-9
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Errr.. Wow. I am fearful of marrying the wrong guy. I was married to myself, and that has offered me a stability that no man has ever been able to offer me. I have enough self-control and lust isn’t a feature in my personality. However I do see the advantage of being married to the right guy. For one, I would not be such a threat to other women. Two, married men would leave me the hell alone. Haha. That is not the right reason to be married. Now I do see good reasons to be married, he has to be a God loving man – so we can love You together and carry out Your intentions.

I also appreciate having someone to share responsibilities with, to love and to hold, and to care for one another – that is indeed a joy in life. If it is important to the man I love, I will overcome my fears and marry.

I feel that the act of sexual intercourse is a sacred thing and casual sex is not emotionally hygienic. Sleeping around, means you leave pieces of your broken soul with strangers who aren’t engaging in the acts of love. I do not equate casual sex to self-loving, in fact I have seen it show up in people’s lives as self-loathing. This confuses the spirit and causes people to get lost. This is just my beliefs and how I managed my adult life. Ever since I was a young Christian, I thought I would be a virgin till my wedding night – but Christians turned me against the church. I forgive them and I no longer have an issue with them now because I don’t need to belong in church – I talk to You in private everyday anyway.

As long as things are done with love, and in love, for me, that works. I accept that many loving couples co-habitate, living as husband and wife, in stability – and how is that wrong?

I do want to talk to a pastor, I want to talk to many pastors, I want to ask all my challenging questions and figure out how to apply Your words into the modern life. That is if I must abide by your words and not be ‘living in sin’.. Please continue to send me wise people to talk to and thank You for placing the right people in my journey where I can grow together with.

I pray for the right verses in the Bible to pop out and speak to me logically.

Amen.

Nisi Dominus Frustra
Without God All is in Vain

 

 

 


 

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